I stood beneath the shower this morning
And the lukewarm water dripped off my hair, blurring my vision.
I didn’t even bother to wipe my face.
Nothing feels like home anymore.
Every flower I see is one less that I give to you
Every auburn sky
Reminds me of how many more I’m going to miss with you.
Sometimes I still reach for your hand,
Only to find an empty seat.
Your last words were cold
But I was the one who invited winter in
It’s what I had to do
If I ever wanted you to know what spring feels like again.
I know you don’t understand right now
But in this cruel world
Sometimes love isn’t enough to change who two people are when they’re together.
And ive tried everything I could for you
But I can’t let this prolonged pain continue.
I’m getting a new tattoo soon
An Alaga Syrup bottle
Because you stayed with me
You loved me when it was impossible
You showed me how to love
When I didn’t understand what love was
You brought me closer to God.
Because a piece of me will always love you
And I don’t ever want to forget
The profound impact that you had on me.
I think it’s been 5 days
Since I heard your voice.
It’s hard to tell
When the days run together
And I’ve smoked 87 and a half cigarettes
Yet my lungs still aren’t as heavy
As my heart.
Everything happened so fast
One moment I held you
And you kissed my pinky finger
The next I was on the floor
Cold and alone.
I miss your voice so badly
When you told me don’t go.
I want to pick up the phone
But it’s 1:17 and you always told me
Nighttime is bad
So I’ll wait it out till the morning
When I won’t feel any better
But I’ll have made it another day
And I’ll do the same tomorrow night
And the next
And I’ll never not love you
But maybe one day I’ll be okay.
This bed in which we had lain
The room with the blackout shades
I can still feel you next to me.
And the pain only gets worse
I knew this was a possibility
When I put my heart on the line finally
But I never thought the hands
That shaped it, would be the ones to
It’s not your fault though
And I know you’re hurting too
And that hurts me more.
As much as I want to make things right
There can’t be anymore distrust
No more controlling
No more sacrifices that can’t be returned
I am not mad at you
Not even a little.
I love you more than I love anything
So just remember these things please:
You are caring
You are good-willed
You are loving
You are silly
You are snugly
You are funny
You are a good listener
You are beautiful
I mean it, really, really beautiful baby
You are worthy of real respectable love
You are desirable
And you are loved by a God that is bigger than us both.
I know that I can’t be the one for you
But that’s okay, because God has someone that will love you like I did and more.
So don’t give yourself away to guys that don’t deserve you- wait it out for him, because he’s worth it.
I love you, and I always will.
There’s only so much
That can be said.
There’s only so many combinations
Of 26 letters
That can be written onto a piece of paper.
There’s only so many miles
That can be covered
Until you are back at the beginning.
And I used to think
“There’s only so much room
In your heart to love a person with.”
I was wrong.
There’s nothing that can be said,
There’s no combination of letters put together
And no amount of miles traveled
That could ever possibly carry the weight
Of all I feel for you.
So please forgive me,
That my words and actions It will never be enough
Because there’s only so much I can do
To express a love that is beyond measure.
I feel your weight
Even when you’re gone.
Not your actual weight:
(Though I do sometimes feel that too)
The weight of US I suppose.
It’s heavier than anything I’ve ever carried.
It strengthens me
It gives me shelter
It covers me in velvet peace
Like your burgundy gown.
Sometimes, it crushes me
And I feel so scared
You’ll leave me to carry this on my own
I grow stronger with each step
fonder with every kiss
more vulnerable with every single word written in love on this god forsaken page.
I love this weight I carry,
For my arms have been longing to do so
My entire life.
But only you could put this on me
And only you have the power
To build, or destroy.
What’s the deal anyways with this whole jealousy thing?
I mean, I swear on my left nut we’ll tear a chapter out of any damn book we can find, an make an ordeal of it
Even if it’s not essential to the story!
Even if it’s the damn reference page, I swear we’ll go on a rant about
“Oh well why does this page have X amount of letters and how come this font is so nice, you never make my font this nice and blah blah blah..”
You get the point.
We’re so focused on the past that we’ll tear our own fucking pages in the process of digging it out.
Only a moment.
Green couch, chapped lips, warm hands, smile.
Sometimes I hurt
When I reflect upon the times
We walked different paths
And she sought to be comforted
In the arms of another.
I hurt because I couldn’t be there,
But mostly, I am broken
That she had to settle-
For boys, no less,
Who have not the depth
Nor emotional capability to handle
A simple gust of wind,
When she is the whole damn storm.
I wish I could go back
And teach them-
To smile at the pouring rain,
To look towards the sky,
To feel the amazement they should have.
But, in the midst of this beautiful monsoon,
They were too busy lapping at puddles,
To lift their heads and be quenched.
In the same mind,
I took advantage of my hydration
Yet in the drought,
I came to fully appreciate the beauty
Of the storm.
I love you
Like a summer shower,
And you’re the steaming asphalt
On a warm July afternoon,
As I am each and every drop of water
Inevitably becoming closer,
Until you encompass me
And I dissolve on contact,
Leaving only a humid sense of belongingness
To prove I was ever anything except
Absorbed in you.
Sins of the heart
Or Sins of the body?
Bland and yet gaudy
Or white lipsticked collars?
Either will hurt
Which order is taller?
I can’t pretend
That I don’t dream of it
His hands on your thighs
And his breath on your lips
The very same pair
That you promised me with
“You and you only
I swear to my death”
The very same pair
That kissed me goodbye
That whispered I’m sorry
As I yelled and you cried
That kept me awake
When I was so high
That if I feel asleep
You knew I might die.
“It’s all in the past”
And I know that is true
But that doesn’t make it hurt less
If anyone understands that, it’s you.