178 pounds 

Someone called me skinny today
And when I looked down
I thought they might be right,
But I still feel like I did
50 pounds ago.
I’ve been thinking a lot about these kind of things recently
And I’ve decided that I don’t want to die
With a cigarette in my mouth
But I don’t know how to live
Without the pain in my lungs
So I’m waiting to see which kills me first
The cancer
Or the pain of not knowing what comes after.

I find peace every morning
Knowing my time is short
And Im not dead yet.

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Letter #1

And I still cannot imagine
Any future
That doesn’t end
With me waking up next to you.
So I hold out hope
That we just need this right now
That maybe one day I’ll run into you
In some grocery market
Or while I’m gassing up my car
And I’ll ask if you want to get coffee
And you’ll say yes.
Then I’ll tell you
Everything you missed
Over the years
And you’ll tell me
The same
And we’ll laugh at mistakes we made
And share stories of heartbreak
Of all the people
That weren’t you or me.

I’ll never not love you.
I know that now
And it’s not dramatic sentiment
It’s that life is not straight cut and dry,
Time can bring change
But never enough
To make me not yearn
To feel you again.

Maybe we’ll go on loving each other
And learn to love others as well
But until then I’ll wait
And hold out hope
That we don’t.

Cherry Blossoms

Silk fell from the sky today.
It littered the streets
In the midst of the city,
And it felt like the first snowfall
Of spring.

The cherry blossoms capered
As I danced In a hurricane
of ivory and champagne pink.
They twirled around me,
Always seeming on the brink of collapse.

Meanwhile I pine for the oak
That I once swayed beneath
While the tough gravel road
Stung my bare feet
Until they were calloused,
And the pain became numb.

A new season arrives
And I wonder if it’s enough
To break me from this winter.
The petals feel unfamiliar
And there’s no one else dancing.

Parking lot

I’ve been doing alright
It’s lonely at night
But I think I’m finally used to the new place.
I don’t have to turn on the lights
On the way to the bathroom anymore
Since I’ve got the furniture memorized
And I drink so much water
I can tell when the cup is full from the sound of the faucet.

I’ve lost 30 pounds,
It feels pretty good
But I wish I had someone to share it with.

When I walk outside
The parking lots so bright it might as well be daytime
That’s when I get to thinking
I could really use a cigarette
Or a drink-
Not to get drunk
Just to bring sleep to my door.

I’ll go for a drive instead.

I’m hanging in there.
I really hope you are too.

Parking lot

I’ve been doing alright
It’s lonely at night
But I think I’m finally used to the new place.
I don’t have to turn on the lights
On the way to the bathroom anymore
Since I’ve got the furniture memorized
And I drink so much water
I can tell when the cup is full from the sound of the faucet.

I’ve lost 30 pounds,
I feel pretty good
But I wish I had someone to share it with.

When I walk outside
The parking lots so bright it might as well be daytime
That’s when I get to thinking
I could really use a cigarette
Or a drink-
Not to get drunk
Just to bring sleep to my door.

I’ll go for a drive instead.

I’m hanging in there.
I really hope you are too.

Bipolar

Last Monday I stayed up till 6 am
I couldn’t sleep
I couldn’t even sit still
I drove around and smoked a pack of newports
Then laid in bed until I forced my mind off.
I woke up three hours later not tired
But I wish I was
Because I felt like I was gonna tear my skin off
Or scratch it off like I did 4 years ago
And my mind still wouldn’t stop
And I couldn’t stop hearing the word death.

My psychiatrist told me this is called a mixed state.

Remember all those nights I barely slept
And still wasn’t tired?
Remember all of the ideas I had
Being a lawyer
Being a chef
Being a professor
Starting a food truck
Living off of food I grow?
Remember how excited I was?
Remember how I never followed through?
Apparently that’s not normal either.

My psychiatrist told me those are called hypomanic episodes.
All of these things are typical
Of someone living with Bipolar 2 disorder.
It seems that I fit the description.

I’m scared as hell.
And I question everything now
And I wonder if these are my ideas
Or the mania’s
And most of the time I can’t even tell the difference.

I’m surviving though.
Maybe now I can get better.
I guess you have to know what you’re aiming for
Before you shoot.

To Someone Who Used to Know Me

I buzzed my head
And I grew my beard out.
I had to do it
Every patch of hair that fell away
Felt like your grip loosening on me
It hurts too bad to hold on anymore.

Things are different now
I’m different

There are a few important things you should know to understand me
They are, in order:

1. I drive people around on a bike to make money
2. I wrote two happy songs this month, which is up 300 percent from last month.
3. I am a Political Science/ Philosophy double major now. I plan on attending law school (Shoot for Harvard and hopefully land on NYU) then practicing constitutional law. I would like to be a Supreme Court Justice one day.
4. I am okay. I am happy.
5. Nights are still hard.
6. I have my own apartment now with a friend. It’s 1300 square feet but the lease is only 500 dollars because they’re tearing it down in a year to rebuild and hike up the prices.
7. I still look at your Instagram. I like your purple and teal bathing suit, but it looks like you’ve lost weight. Please eat healthy, I worry about you all of the time.
8. I can’t say the word eno one fucking time without thinking about you.
9. I picked up 2 years and I am still going strong.
10. I love you, but I know one hundred percent this was the right decision.

If you’re reading this, I would encourage you not to
If you aren’t, keep doing what you’re doing.

Triolet for my missing piece 

My heart stopped beating weeks ago
The last I heard your voice
My lungs let out a subtle crow
“My heart stopped beating weeks ago.”

My hands are cold, mid winter snow
They do not have a choice
My heart stopped beating weeks ago
The last I heard your voice.

InnerSpace

Your skin
Is the pallid moon
By which my body
Is pulled in-
Through waves of elation-
Then pushed back out again
Til sun meets the horizon once more.

Your fingers,
Made of star-things,
Follow me.
No matter how far I run,
How many artificial lights
I pollute myself with-
They are a part of my very being.

I’ll never forget
The noise you made
As we discovered the universe together;
You whispered in my ear
Promising the spheres music
Would only ever play for you and me.