Last Monday I stayed up till 6 am
I couldn’t sleep
I couldn’t even sit still
I drove around and smoked a pack of newports
Then laid in bed until I forced my mind off.
I woke up three hours later not tired
But I wish I was
Because I felt like I was gonna tear my skin off
Or scratch it off like I did 4 years ago
And my mind still wouldn’t stop
And I couldn’t stop hearing the word death.

My psychiatrist told me this is called a mixed state.

Remember all those nights I barely slept
And still wasn’t tired?
Remember all of the ideas I had
Being a lawyer
Being a chef
Being a professor
Starting a food truck
Living off of food I grow?
Remember how excited I was?
Remember how I never followed through?
Apparently that’s not normal either.

My psychiatrist told me those are called hypomanic episodes.
All of these things are typical
Of someone living with Bipolar 2 disorder.
It seems that I fit the description.

I’m scared as hell.
And I question everything now
And I wonder if these are my ideas
Or the mania’s
And most of the time I can’t even tell the difference.

I’m surviving though.
Maybe now I can get better.
I guess you have to know what you’re aiming for
Before you shoot.


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