To Someone Who Used to Know Me

I buzzed my head
And I grew my beard out.
I had to do it
Every patch of hair that fell away
Felt like your grip loosening on me
It hurts too bad to hold on anymore.

Things are different now
I’m different

There are a few important things you should know to understand me
They are, in order:

1. I drive people around on a bike to make money
2. I wrote two happy songs this month, which is up 300 percent from last month.
3. I am a Political Science/ Philosophy double major now. I plan on attending law school (Shoot for Harvard and hopefully land on NYU) then practicing constitutional law. I would like to be a Supreme Court Justice one day.
4. I am okay. I am happy.
5. Nights are still hard.
6. I have my own apartment now with a friend. It’s 1300 square feet but the lease is only 500 dollars because they’re tearing it down in a year to rebuild and hike up the prices.
7. I still look at your Instagram. I like your purple and teal bathing suit, but it looks like you’ve lost weight. Please eat healthy, I worry about you all of the time.
8. I can’t say the word eno one fucking time without thinking about you.
9. I picked up 2 years and I am still going strong.
10. I love you, but I know one hundred percent this was the right decision.

If you’re reading this, I would encourage you not to
If you aren’t, keep doing what you’re doing.

Triolet for my missing piece 

My heart stopped beating weeks ago
The last I heard your voice
My lungs let out a subtle crow
“My heart stopped beating weeks ago.”

My hands are cold, mid winter snow
They do not have a choice
My heart stopped beating weeks ago
The last I heard your voice.

InnerSpace

Your skin
Is the pallid moon
By which my body
Is pulled in-
Through waves of elation-
Then pushed back out again
Til sun meets the horizon once more.

Your fingers,
Made of star-things,
Follow me.
No matter how far I run,
How many artificial lights
I pollute myself with-
They are a part of my very being.

I’ll never forget
The noise you made
As we discovered the universe together;
You whispered in my ear
Promising the spheres music
Would only ever play for you and me.

Alaga Syrup

I stood beneath the shower this morning
And the lukewarm water dripped off my hair, blurring my vision.
I didn’t even bother to wipe my face.
Nothing feels like home anymore.
Every flower I see is one less that I give to you
Every auburn sky
Reminds me of how many more I’m going to miss with you.
Sometimes I still reach for your hand,
Only to find an empty seat.

Your last words were cold
But I was the one who invited winter in
It’s what I had to do
If I ever wanted you to know what spring feels like again.
I know you don’t understand right now
But in this cruel world
Sometimes love isn’t enough to change who two people are when they’re together.
And ive tried everything I could for you
But I can’t let this prolonged pain continue.

I’m getting a new tattoo soon

An Alaga Syrup bottle

Because you stayed with me
You loved me when it was impossible
You showed me how to love
When I didn’t understand what love was
You brought me closer to God.

Because a piece of me will always love you
And I don’t ever want to forget
The profound impact that you had on me.

Okay

I think it’s been 5 days
Since I heard your voice.
It’s hard to tell
When the days run together
And I’ve smoked 87 and a half cigarettes
Yet my lungs still aren’t as heavy
As my heart.
Everything happened so fast
One moment I held you
And you kissed my pinky finger
The next I was on the floor
Cold and alone.

I miss your voice so badly
When you told me don’t go.
I want to pick up the phone
But it’s 1:17 and you always told me
Nighttime is bad
So I’ll wait it out till the morning
When I won’t feel any better
But I’ll have made it another day
And I’ll do the same tomorrow night
And the next
And I’ll never not love you
But maybe one day I’ll be okay.

My Last Letter To H & James’ Last Post

This bed in which we had lain
The room with the blackout shades
I can still feel you next to me.
Three days
And the pain only gets worse
I knew this was a possibility
When I put my heart on the line finally
But I never thought the hands
That shaped it, would be the ones to
Break it.
It’s not your fault though
And I know you’re hurting too
And that hurts me more.
As much as I want to make things right
We can’t.
There can’t be anymore distrust
No more controlling
No more sacrifices that can’t be returned
No more.
I am not mad at you
Not even a little.

I love you more than I love anything
So just remember these things please:
You are caring
You are good-willed
You are loving
You are silly
You are snugly
You are funny
You are a good listener
You are beautiful
I mean it, really, really beautiful baby
You are worthy of real respectable love
You are desirable
And you are loved by a God that is bigger than us both.

I know that I can’t be the one for you
But that’s okay, because God has someone that will love you like I did and more.
So don’t give yourself away to guys that don’t deserve you- wait it out for him, because he’s worth it.
I love you, and I always will.

Beyond Measure

There’s only so much
That can be said.
There’s only so many combinations
Of 26 letters
That can be written onto a piece of paper.
There’s only so many miles
That can be covered
Until you are back at the beginning.

And I used to think
“There’s only so much room
In your heart to love a person with.”
I was wrong.

There’s nothing that can be said,
There’s no combination of letters put together
And no amount of miles traveled
That could ever possibly carry the weight
Of all I feel for you.

So please forgive me,
That my words and actions It will never be enough
Because there’s only so much I can do
To express a love that is beyond measure.

The Weight 

I feel your weight
Even when you’re gone.
Not your actual weight:
(Though I do sometimes feel that too)
The weight of US I suppose.
It’s heavier than anything I’ve ever carried.

It strengthens me
It gives me shelter
It covers me in velvet peace
Like your burgundy gown.

Sometimes, it crushes me
And I feel so scared
You’ll leave me to carry this on my own

I grow stronger with each step
fonder with every kiss
more vulnerable with every single word written in love on this god forsaken page.

I love this weight I carry,
For my arms have been longing to do so
My entire life.
But only you could put this on me
And only you have the power
To build, or destroy.

The Deal

What’s the deal anyways with this whole jealousy thing?

I mean, I swear on my left nut we’ll tear a chapter out of any damn book we can find, an make an ordeal of it
Even if it’s not essential to the story!
Even if it’s the damn reference page, I swear we’ll go on a rant about

“Oh well why does this page have X amount of letters and how come this font is so nice, you never make my font this nice and blah blah blah..”

You get the point.

We’re so focused on the past that we’ll tear our own fucking pages in the process of digging it out.